tonystarkdefencesquad:

I keep seeing all these posts with Thor coming back to Earth after ragnarok and commenting on the civil war fiasco like:

my brother constantly betrays me, get over it 

And yes, I get it, they are kinda funny. But they also make me uncomfortable? I’m not sure why. 

But I’ve been thinking a lot since civil war came out, trying to understand why I had such a strong reaction to it, why I get so genuinely upset whenever I read team cap posts tearing down Tony for his actions in the film. 

I was on Tony’s side, absolutely. I sympathised with Steve for wanting protect Bucky, but the way he went about it was idiotic and dangerous, with no thought to the political ramifications. 

But that’s not the point.

The point is when I watched the avengers blame Tony for ‘tearing the avengers apart’ and Steve try to lie about his parents murder, I saw my own life staring back at me. 

It’s taken me a while to figure it out, why I was so triggered by this film – and I’m so hesitant to use that word, since it’s become almost a joke now. but I genuinely think I was. 

Here’s the thing. I was bullied a lot when I was younger. Not by people I didn’t like, but by my friends. going into school each day, I didn’t know if it would be a good day when I was allowed to be one of the group, or a bad day when I’d be torn down by the rest of them. 

Maybe you can see why I found age of ultron so disturbing. 

And it’s only in the last few years that I’ve come to realise how toxic my extended family are. Growing up we would all have to come together for family meals and holidays, and of course dad couldn’t say no because this was ‘family’ – and every time it would degenerate into arguments and fights and drama. the problem is, with the exception of some, I genuinely liked them. It wasn’t all fights and anxiety, we had some good times as well. 

But it wasn’t until we moved away and got some distance that I was able to see how happier I was, and how much better my mental health was without them. Even now I dread family events because I’ve been conditioned to associate them with screaming matches and conflict that I can’t escape. 

Same with the bullying. It wasn’t until I moved away and was able to find new friends that were genuinely nice people that I was able to see how unhappy I was with the bullies I thought were my friends. 

This has become kind of long winded. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it took me so, so long to find the strength to be angry at the bullies and at my family for their behaviour towards me. It took me so long to find the strength not to forgive them. I can’t. I can’t forgive them and let them close again, because if I do that, then they will know they can get away with it, and hurt me again. That’s what has always happened. If I forgive them, then nothing will change. 

Maybe you can see where I’m going with is. 

So no. I can’t forgive Steve for lying to tony. For wanda for throwing his generosity in his face, for clint’s comment about rhodey, for Natasha for stabbing him in the back yet again. but most importantly, Steve. 

The lying to his face. Physically antagonising someone who is having a breakdown WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL STEVE 

You can do this all day? really? really Steve? is that how you treat someone who is supposed to be part of your ‘family’? 

and the letter. that fucking letter. 

‘I’m sorry you can’t understand why I was right and you were wrong but when you’re ready to acknowledge that and forgive me yet again I’ll be here for you’ 

I just 

Do you understand how many times I’ve heard that since me and my folks found the guts to try and break away from our toxic in-laws? do you? 

I can’t forgive him for what he did to Tony, and I don’t want Tony to either. Which is why I’m kinda dreading infinity war so much, because I know he will. That’s who he is. 

Maybe that makes me petty to the cap stans. I don’t care. Like that post said, which finally gave me the damn words for how I’m feeling – I worked hard for this anger. I worked hard to love myself enough to not forgive them for what they did.

Tony has to forgive them, does he? Why? because they’re his ‘family?’ 

Look me in the eyes and say that to my face, I dare you. 

Maybe I’m overreacting, or should learn to separate Tony’s situation with my own. I know. I’ve tried. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to watch my trauma on screen in a film I watch for enjoyment and escapism. 

So yes. Whenever I see one of those Thor posts, I want to laugh. I do. I can see why it’s funny to people. 

But I also want to cry. 

A piece of me breaks, because when I see those jokes trivialising the civil war and telling them to get over it, I see those bullies who convinced me they were my friends waiting for me to forgive them and give them the go ahead to continue as they were. 

I see the family members I finally understand are toxic af trying to worm their way back into my head and make my life miserable. 

And what I hear is ‘your trauma isn’t important. get over it.’

This! Somebody put it into words. I would brush off my unease(?) over the disregard of Tony’s feelings as me projecting onto the character. I find myself so very frustrated watching Tony be taken for granted and blamed for e v e r y t h i n g, including things that are not his fault or things in which he shouldn’t take the blame alone. And I realize that part of that is because it took me FOREVER to break that cycle in my own life.