…the hell did this craving come from at 1:30 in the morning??
Eek!! NERVES!!!
I’d been applying to jobs I liked better and got one. Today is a short little orientation day of sorts, not even really “working”… and I’m nervous. I wasn’t expecting to be. I was fine during both interviews…
EEK!!!
Random little bit of self-consciousness:
I feel cheated that I didn’t get the full lips (like most of my family) and have no ass. Like, I’m black. I’m supposed to have those things.
…
…
…
I know we are not a monolith and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Most of the time I’m not bothered by my lips and overall shape but lord when the negative thoughts come creeping in? Oh the feelings of inadequacy! I’ve had moments like these since like middle school? That was long before the current booty obsession of society, so adding in the pics of beautiful people with amazing booties and I’m just like 😥
dot
Pausing the negativity as I have to go to an appointment. My therapist is gonna be like
Randomness… like seriously. Random even for me. And it’s grumpy.
Why does this bother me so?
So many “niche” groups don’t want to admit fail to realize that they are just as susceptible to society’s crap as the rest of society. We’re all exposed to the same bullcrap conditioning and it’s going to take conscious effort to break it.
Metal fans? ~It’s about the music! It’s just happenstance that bands with prominent members who are poc are rarely successful. It’s just happenstance that some fans of color are going to be looked at like they don’t belong in the concert crowd or get asked the entire history of music in order to be deemed an actual fan.~
Goth scene? ~It’s about the music! It’s just happenstance that most goth publications, blogs, images rarely feature poc…even after poc ask about it. It’s just happenstance that many think all brown/dark skinned poc look inherently silly in goth attire.~
ddlg spaces? ~It’s just happenstance that you *never* see poc littles unless you’re purposely, pointedly seeking them.~ This is actually what prompted this post today. A couple of lg’s of color expressed a sort of ‘otherness’ that they feel. When you go to any places that have images representing it, the images always show one group of people. One particular person said that whenever she’s talking to potential dd’s no matter how good the conversation is they will, without fail, disappear when they see her. She asked if she was a “bad little” because she’s black and that apparently runs people off. A few of the responses were (thankfully) saying things like “No, you’re not bad. Try not to let the crap discourage you.” But MOST of the responses were stuff like: ~It’s just happenstance that all the lg you see represented are white and the guys who left immediately upon seeing you were probably just reacting to the fact that you don’t look like what they’re used to seeing.~ Never mind that she’s attractive and hits all markers of what a “typical” lg looks like: petite stature, excessively pastel/girly, cute. The only difference is that she’s black. …
Why is it so hard to go: “race shouldn’t be any type of determinant, and it’s fucked up that it still is even in our small communities.” Why is it always a complete lack of acknowledgement of the fact that these smaller communities are not magically immune to the bullshit that comes from mainstream society?
I wore this style all day anyway, but now I’m like ‘but was it cute though?’
“Diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets.
Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to
lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they
lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible.
“
Fatsplaining at its finest. I don’t give a fuck when someone chooses to not be healthy, but don’t sit there and make bullshit excuses and blame anything other than yourself and your lack of self control. Take responsibility and own up to it, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m sorry other people’s shapes make you so angry that you pretend science is wrong
Obviously this person must think climate change is wrong and vaccines cause autism
There was once a time I made a goal to lose weight. I was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes even though I was just 2 months legally an adult. (Note: juvenile diabetes is the one that can hit regardless of weight.) And I did lose weight….Like 80lbs in the course of a year.
Of course, my teeth were chipping and breaking on the regular because that’s one of the things bulimia does – stomach acid fucks up your teeth. I learned that the inside of my mouth could peel as I was spitting out skin every few days. My hair also fell out in clumps, because who would’ve guessed that nutrition actually mattered? And I was in desperate need of psychological help (but didn’t realize it) because I still saw my old body when I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t believe photos. I still have scars from punishing myself for being a ‘fat waste of space’ even though I was at a weight that I hadn’t seen since I was 10 years old and several inches shorter. I would exercise every day of the week, which would have been great… if it wasn’t for the fact that I was constantly running on empty and having weird heart flutters and dizziness. Oh, and despite the magic of weightloss, my diabetes didn’t magically go away or stabilize.
Other people would praise me so much during that time though. It didn’t matter that I was slowly inching closer to suicide because I hadn’t hit a specific number on a scale.
The people in the notes who say fat people are inherently awful, I guess they think my weight loss story is still fabulous though?? Bad teeth, damn near no hair, off the wall low self esteem, anxiety over eating so much as a carrot in public, etc. But who cares about all that? Weightloss goals!! …right?
My stuggles with mental health got to the point that I lost the energy to contine all of those wonderful habits I listed above. A little suicidal ideation here, a cartilage issue there (due to a high school injury that I injured more severely during that mad weightloss rush), several issues with my stomach lining all around, and a near death to round it all off…
Eventually there was a turn around. After some more trauma, I mentally shut down for a few years and couldn’t care about much of anything. (Did you know that it’s possible to be too depressed to kill yourself?) Upon my metaphorical awakening, I started to see positive changes in mental health… AND my physical health too. No more bad teeth issues, the inside of my mouth no longer peeled, stabilizing blood sugars, and my hair even grew back! The downside, if there is one, is that I gained most of that weight back too.
A couple of times the want of losing weight popped back up, but I knew I’d need professional help to do it. It took till the fall of last year to find a doctor and therapist combo who actually prioritized my total HEALTH over that number on the scale.
And so I no longer hate myself for existing in my current body (most of the time). I’ve begun a new journey to get healthier. Not to lose weight, but to just be as healthy as I can be. If any weightloss happens, that’s fine, but according to my doctor and therapist that isn’t specifically necessary for me. My blood sugars have been stable for years now, my resting heart rate tends to stay in the middle but slightly toward the low end of normal for my age. I’ve never had and still do not have high blood pressure. Because I walk everyday those old cartilage issues no longer bother me. I don’t think I’ve lost more than few pounds so I guess the muscles are getting stronger. It’s amazing how “getting healthy” feels so much better than “getting smaller.”
TL:DR When I was at my lowest weight I was, medically, the least healthy I had ever been in my adult life and almost ended said life. *HEALTHY* should be everyone’s goal, not a number on a scale. And you can’t just eyeball a complete stranger and magically know their level of health.
Smile It Won't Suck Forever 